Bud Light with a side of Blogging

My horoscope today said that I need to "get back into an old hobby".

Every time I hear the word "hobby", I get a little insecure. I feel like I am the only person in the whole world that doesn't have a hobby. People go biking and climbing and riding and hiking...they paint, they sew and they build.

I don't like to do any of those things!

I think that I have spent the last 10 years of my life trying to find a hobby that doesn't involve drinking. I like to camp!...but only because it is an excuse to drink around a campfire. I like to dine out!...while drinking expensive wine to compliment my dinner. I like to travel!....to drink on a beach. I like to sing!....Karaoke...after I have had a few too many drinks.

Do you see the pattern? At 'almost 30', I feel like I should really have a hobby that doesn't involve drinking!! Part of the problem is that I work too much. I know that this sounds like a lame excuse...but seriously...I work too much.

After I complete a 60....84...or 92 hour week (as I have all of the above this month)...I like to drink! I don't want to work out. My mind is too tired to be artistic, and I can hardly form sentences, let alone find time to keep up with my blog. It is almost impossible for me to do anything other than unwind on a patio with friends, and then sleep for 24 hours straight.

In addition to being "almost 30", and both too young, and too old to have a life that revolves around work and alcohol...I have noticed that my metabolism is starting to...well...vanish completely! The 20 Lbs that I have gained in the last 2 years are even more of an incentive to FINALLY finding a hobby that is better for me than drinking.

I am literally desperate to find a healthy hobby! Please help me, before you have to pry this Bud Light from my 400 Lb blogging hand!

You know you had an amazing vacation when it takes you four whole days of recovery before you can attempt to speak, let alone write, in full sentences again. There are literally no words to describe how fantastic of a trip it was, but thank GOD we didn't let the "swine flu" hold us back. It was truly a wonderful experience, and I would have never forgiven myself if I had missed out on such an amazing memory with so many of my very best friends.

I arrived on Wednesday around 1:00 PM PV time - shortly after I wrote that last blog entry on the back of my flight itinerary. After struggling my way through airport customs, and a dozen people who were trying to sell me time shares, I finally located my driver and made my way to the beautiful (and most importantly all-inclusive) Royal Decameron. I beat everyone else there by about 4 hours. I checked into the room, checked out the beach-front property, and naturally...started drinking. Kate and Adam arrived shortly after.

When the large white shuttle pulled up a few hours later, it was obvious that it was packed full of my ridiculously fabulous and WASTED friends...who had somehow managed to talk the cab driver into stopping at the store for canned Caronas on the way to the hotel. Brett...Angie...Mindy..Colin..Nabil...they continued to pile out of the van. It didn't take long before we were the loudest, rowdiest and drunkest group of tourists in the joint!

The first night was spent catching up on the beach and watching the sun set. I'm pretty sure Angie took the cake for wastedness, as we watched her almost drown in the ocean. I will say that her and Brett had a truly romantic "make out on the sand" scene....and in the end it was all fun and games.

Thursday was pool day, and we all started drinking around 10:00 AM. A few more people arrived (Reeves, Ben, Josh, Ryan, Renae, Scott, Tina, Nick...) and after dinner we all headed to Brett's uncles bar - about 1/2 mile up the road. It was a full-on welcome fiesta! We drank every bottle of tequila in the house and created our own karaoke to the few songs the piano player knew in English (Hey Jude and New York).

The wedding was on Saturday and it was amazing to say the least. The wedding party left early, and we headed to Las Caletas, via speed boat, for a day of fabulousness. Upon arrival to the private beach, we were greeted with champagne, fresh fruits and a beautiful bridal suite where we would spend the day getting ready. After popping a few bottles of champagne, we met the boys on the beach to swim and watch dolphins play in the ocean. After enjoying a beautiful lunch spread on our private island...we went our separate ways and started to get ready for the evening to follow. Angie looked breath-taking in her dress, and the whole day was just a beautiful day of celebration. The 'booze cruise' showed up with the rest of the guests, and the party was on!

The wedding was perfect - beach side, intimate, emotional. Even I struggled to get through my speech, as each and every single person bawled their eyes out with an overwhelming love for the couple. The energy in the room was amazing, and reminded me how lucky we all are to have one another. I don't think I've ever seen a better group of people come together for a better cause.

The dance floor was located just inches from the ocean waves, and we danced just as hard as we would have at the Iron Street house in 2001. There were sparklers and fire dancers...and a LOT of tequila shots. ...and then an hour long booze cruise home.

Overall it was an amazing 5 days of sunshine and friends, and I needed it far more than I knew that I did. Although it made me miss Seattle horribly - it also let me remember how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. It's necessary to take the time to celebrate that...and I plan to do it more often from now on.

I'm already looking forward to Tropical Vacation 2010!!!!!

Check out my Facebook page to see the rest of the pictures...More to come!

Ah...re...ba.

Just a few short air miles now from a Mexican vacation with my much loved and missed Seattle friends - I can hardly wait to see their smiling and drunk faces! I figured that to help pass the time I could write a blog entry - pen on the back of my itinerary style - to be transferred later to the World Wide Web. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm capable of hand-writing anymore. I was never the best speller. In fact, I think that second to math, spelling caused the most anxiety in class. It's been about 15 years since my last spelling test, and I'm pretty sure that spell check has only had a negative effect on my progress. To this day I still can't spell restaurant or sandwich without spell check.

Oh - it's been an interesting journey so far to say the least! First media on drug lords and kidnapping of tourists caused my ticket prices to plummet almost $200 last month. While the media urged spring-breakers not to visit Mexico, I rejoiced in the savings. Then, I found out that the company I had ordered my bridesmaid dress from had scammed me for $350. Thanks to Visa disputing the charge, and Watters and Watters carrying sample dresses in a size 10, the crisis was averted...Just in time for the swine flu hysteria - which I thought would surely put an end to our trip.

Even as a professional Event manager, someone whose job is to prove that the "show must go on", I am still in shock that we've managed to make it this far, all odds against us. I now understand the clause in contracts referring to an 'act of God'. Hopefully we will not encounter anymore 'acts of God' on this trip - unless that act of God is somehow saving me from the H1N1 I am quite certain I contracted in that disturbing Houston bathroom.

Not wanting to buy into the hysteria, I have to wonder; the Iowa Events Center just dropped more than 20K to install hand sanitizers as a precautionary measure in response to H1N1, and the Houston airport, located just miles away from the heart of this supposed 'pandemic', fails to have hand soap in their filthy bathroom.

As I watched a mother breast feed her 5 year old child in what is by far the dirtiest airport I have ever experienced, I couldn't help but feel discusted...dirty..infected...

So again - focusing on the friendly faces and margaritas I will encounter in just a few short miles...I can't WAIT to see you!

If Found, Please Call

Imagine a place where it is completely acceptable to order a side of fried cheese curds with your mac and cheese. Imagine restaurants with only two side options to your fried chicken sandwich: french fries or tator tots. Imagine not feeling obligated to go grilled or bare...not being embarrassed to order two carbs as sides....smothered and covered...

Arugla, butterhead, bib, chard, endive.....Why make it complicated? In Iowa that "rabbit food" comes in one variety, and it's iceberg. Want to substitute for your fries? Sorry - you'll get both..and take home the leftovers.

Now I'm not saying that Iowa has it all wrong. I think that the idea of buying a $5 bloody mary, and receiving unlimited complimentary biscuits and gravy - is about as "cutting edge" as it gets...In fact it's pretty liberating to be a fat kid at any meal of the day and not feel guilty about it....Did you know people eat ribeye for lunch?

This being said - after 8 years in another food culture, it's been quite the struggle (both physically and psychologically) to return. I feel like I've been on a 9 month vacation - a food binger that will inevitably shorten my lifespan. Although I find it completely impossible to refuse two-for-one anything....sometimes I just have to stop and give my body the beneficial nutrition it is SO craving...I just want to make my refrigerator look like it did 9 months ago....before I was back to riding the carb roller-coaster.

I've shopped around the metropolitan area to find the kinds of food I need, but without Trader Joes, Metropolitan Market, QFC or Whole Foods, I feel a little lost. Even Safeway has a produce department that would blow HyVee out of the water....and although you may be able to get $1 beers in Iowa...You will pay $6 for 5 leaves of fresh basil.

Finding dietary solice in ethnic foods is no longer an option..Not because Des Moines doesn't have them...but because they aren't any good. I can honestly say I would sell my first born child for some decent Greek food. I might even pawn him/her off for a taste of good Chinese.

I'm back to ordering pizza from Domino's and buying Kraft mac n cheese. I think I've actually purchased (an eaten) 5 bags of potato chips since I've been back....Who puts potato chips in their diet, let alone on their grocery list?

The frustration of not being able to find all of the items I am used to putting together - makes me fly straight to the processed food aisle....and so the cycle continues....

Here are just a few items I have absolutely not been able to find in Des Moines:

Rooster Sauce

Dolmas - deli fresh OR in a can

Large bags of fresh basil....I'm hoping the farmers market will have these this summer

My favorite ranch - Annie's Cowgirl Ranch Dressing

Pretty much everything that you can get at Trader Joes...cheap raw almonds, those delicious honey sesame crackers...frozen avocado halves and ice cube herbs.

My summer mission is to make my refrigerator and pantry look a little bit more like they did when I was living 'unhealthily' in Seattle...If you happen to know where I can find any of these items...Please let me know!

In the meantime...screw vodka sodas and wine spritzers! It's time to hit the city for a few Bud Lights.

So..It turns out I'm not so great at blogging.

I have to apologize to the few people who actually read my blogs for the short duration of my overwhelming motivation to write. I feel like writing is necessary in so many ways...and although I am constantly narrating in my mind, I completely fail at taking the time to write things down. I fail at letting distant friends and family know what I'm up to...I get too busy to sit down and really think about my day. I get lost in day-to-day interaction, and somehow justify doing it without afterthought or explanation.

Lately I've just been craving afterthought and explanation.

It's necessary...Even if you are the only one that ever reads it.

It's doesn't have to be cleaver...it doesn't have to be grammatically sound. As I stated in my very first posting "I am not a writer, nor will I claim to be one"

I'm a talker. But talking doesn't leave room for reflection. Verbal communication disappears as soon as it leaves your lips, and you rarely reflect on the specifics of that moment ever again.



So much has happened in the last year of my life...In no way could I pick up where I left off on this page...In no way could I even pick up where I left Seattle.

It's been 9 months and 1 day since I watched the city fade in the rear view mirror of a UHaul - and although I feel like the same person that I was then, my life has completely changed in ways I only hope to understand after dedicating a few decent months to reflection...if for nothing more than to document the transition as it continues to happen.

and so.....


Welcome to my life in Iowa

Caution, Many Visitors Have Been Gored....By Cows?

On many occasions, and in an attempt to point out my frequent foreign behavior, my Washington friends have joked, “You can take the girl out of Iowa, but you can’t take the Iowa out of the girl”.

Well, blame it on my up-bringing if you must, but I am about to dedicate an entire blog to cows.

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself after reading a short news article, on Yahoo News, about an abundance of Swiss hikers who have recently been attacked by cows. The article, “Mooove slowly and don’t hug Swiss cows” goes on to give specific guidelines of interacting with cows:

‘Keep your distance. Avoid eye contact. And even if a cow is cute, never hug a Swiss cow….Never caress a calf…Do not scare the animals or look them directly in the eye. Do not wave sticks…Remain calm and slowly leave the area.’

Fucking hilarious!

The entire time I read this article, LOGICALLY, the only thing I could think about was…cow tipping.

Oh, cow tipping. I can’t seem to get away from this urban legend no matter where I live. Now, everyone has their opinions on whether or not it’s possible, but mine has always remained the same. Reading this article, about people who have seriously been attacked by freaking cows, only enforced my strong beliefs on how completely idiotic it is.

You cannot tip a cow.

Seriously you guys. I know a lot of you have argued me on this one, but take it from the Iowa girl…Not that I have any personal experience with cows…But if you tried to tip a cow (you and the 4 other people it would take to pummel the 2,000 Lb hunk of steak) the cow would surely wake up and kick your fucking ass. I mean, all of its fat heifer friends would make you eat cow pie for dinner.

I don’t care how many of you claim to have done it or seen it. I’ve never seen you do it, and I don’t believe you.

So, much like the time I decided to spend an entire day researching ‘how snails make babies’, today I decided to do some research on cow tipping, to support my claim.

Let me introduce my scholarly cow tipping sources:

Specimen 1: Truthorfiction.com

According to this extremely prestige website, cow experts claim that even though cows have a reputation of being slow, they are actually very aware and very smart and that it would be very tough for someone to sneak up on one, especially at night. The vision field of a cow is larger than that of a human, and they have acute senses of hearing and smell. Thus, they are easily startled, and can quickly communicate to the rest of the herd that something is amiss.

According to wikipedia.org (an online encyclopedia that dedicates 4 entire pages to this extremely educational subject), cows, like many herd prey animals, take only short naps at regular intervals throughout a 24 hour period. This means that at any given time, some members of the herd are aware and alert and could totally kick your ass if they wanted to. It goes on to compare tackling the average cow (1,600 lbs.) to tackling the average sumo wrestler (310 lbs), again, proving that the idea of cow tipping is completely asinine.

Do you need more sources? Because I have them…

And oh yeah – COWS DON’T EVEN SLEEP STANDING UP.

According to every source I read, cows can only sleep while laying down. They don’t even so much as doze off in a standing position.

Basically, what this means, aside from the fact that I just managed to utilize 4 perfectly good hours of work time researching and writing about cow tipping just to prove a point, is that if you and 5 of your drunkest friends DO manage to crawl over the barbed wire and hot fences…and get into the pasture full of standing cows…And walk up to one of the 2,000 lb creatures: Don’t make eye contact. Don’t wave sticks, and for the love of god..DO NOT caress or hug a cow. They are all awake and ready to gore you to death.

Maybe you should spray painting profanity on them instead.

Currently Feeling: SO excited for a weekend of camping, boating, hot men, floatzilla, and being fabulous with Jeanna and Sarah.

Currently Depressed About: The fact that it is raining in Seattle. I’m not ready for winter!!!

Currently Anticipating: Going home to watch the rest of One Tree Hill, Season 3 on DVD. My roommate pirated it off of the internet and it is TOTALLY a guilty pleasure.

Las Vegas...Part Deuce:

Okay, I have exactly 24 hours left in Las Vegas. It's been a rough ride, and although my mind is convinced that I want to live in this ridiculous state of intoxication and sleepless nights forever, my body is about 12 hours and one cucumber-sake cooler away from ending up face down in the live keno lounge, cigarette in mouth, with all of the other Las Vegas junkies. I never knew that drinking next to the pool all day and dancing all night could be so exhausting! Anyway, please forgive me if this blog ends up sounding like it was written by a 3rd grader with down syndrome.

On Tuesday, after working approximately 1.5 hours, I headed to the pool for a day of sunshine. I believe it was a beautiful 109 degrees in Las Vegas by 10:00 AM. No humidity. The warm sunshine shaded only by palm trees, cabana boys serving pina coladas, and upbeat tropical music made me want to rethink Seattle all together. I love the heat. I love days by the pool, and I LOVE cabana boys!!!

After a few hours of sun I headed back to my new room at the Las Vegas Hilton...Home of Barry Manilow and quite possibly one of the top5 ghettoest places to stay in Las Vegas. I stayed long enough to shower and then headed to Caesar's Palace to meet up with the clients. After dinner and drinks we headed to PURE. Somehow our names were already on the guest list, so we walked right into our rooftop VIP table over-looking the strip. It was fabulous and so were the several bottles of citron Grey Goose vodka that someone spent a few thousand dollars on. Like any VIP experience, the table was catered with all kinds of mixers for our drinks. For any of you that know me...Two or more vodka Red Bulls is a guaranteed blackout....Let alone 25. I'm not sure what time exactly I forgot my name, location, and room number...4 AM, 5AM, 8 AM...Who freaking knows. I do know that I walked out of the bar without my shoes or my purse...and didn't even care. I wouldn't have even bothered looking for them if I would have been more successful at talking the cab driver into taking me back to the Hilton for free. Luckily, my belongings were strone about in our section and I was able to recover all of them before somehow finding my way home.

I woke up yesterday morning in my pajamas with a washed face and brushed teeth. I even remembered to get a receipt from the cab driver to claim on my expenses. Now...If you've ever been to Las Vegas, then you've certainly been drunk and lost in a casino trying to find your 12 digit hotel room number....58490345...123456.. I mean seriously. I have NO idea how in the hell I even figured out which one of the 6 elevators to get on, let alone found my room. Apparently I'm smarter when I'm completely smashed...Which may not be a surprise to some of you.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to the pool until about 1:00 yesterday, and even then the hot sun was not as comforting as it had been the day before. I managed to get in 2 hours of tan time before I retreated back to my room. By then my new friends were ready to hit the city again, and I met them back at Caesar's Palace for dinner and a quick ride on the New York, New York roller coaster. I hadn't been on a rollercoaster since the age of 10 and since developing several alcohol-induced ulcers. It was quite an experience that landed me right back into a cab to the Hilton. No Rock and Roll karaoke for me. It was already 1 AM and I needed some freaking sleep. I said goodbye to my clients and headed home.

Today I received a thank-you e-mail from them, that my boss was also copied on, telling me how wonderful it was to work with me and how much they look forward to working with me again. Ha. Yeah, it's a hard job but somebody's got to do it.

I had to be at the convention center at 8AM today to lead three Microsoft booths going up at MAGIC. I sat around drinking mocha-frappichinos until about 10:00, waiting for my freight to arrive, and then finally decided to come back to my hotel room. Who knows what time it will get to my booth, but I'm contemplating another couple of hours by the pool while I wait.

Anyway, I'll be back in Seattle around 4 tomorrow and ready to celebrate Nabil and Colin's b-days. Good thing cause I am super parched for some alcohol!!!!!! Reeve's just called to let me know they will be staring with a BBQ at 5, followed by a night of karaoke. Thank god since I missed my chance last night!!!

I will say, it's going to suck actually having to pay for drinks again.

Well, three more weeks and I'll be back in Vegas for another round.

Welcome To My Life...In Vegas

Good god....Here I am in Vegas. My third night in Sin City. I truly believe that this has become my home away from home. MGM, Hilton, Mandalay Bay, Marriott...Whatever. There is always trouble in Vegas.

Last night I went out with "the clients". Funny, because come to find out..they all drink, smoke, and get high more than I have since I was sixteen..well, maybe not smoke..but still. I actually just finished off six, yes SIX cucumber mojitos with them downstairs. Gotta love the rich east-coast lifestyle. I guess the uptight culture makes them NEED nights like these in Vegas, while my laid-back mid-western/western (whatever I am these days) culture simply loves to enjoy it.

In the meantime, I've successfully ordered ONE Mediterranean chicken sandwich and THREE Heinekens to my room and am about to fill up an extremely wonderful looking bathtub with 'sensual sea salt' bath crystals, courtesy of the hotel.

I deserve to live like this all of the time.

Last night we went to a club in the Bellagio called "Light". I'm not sure how much the cover charge was supposed to be...or how long I would have had to wait in line had I not been with Anthony, but after two flirtacious bitches and a pole dancing contest...I was extremely glad I didn't. Guess no matter where I am, I'm still a dive-bar kind of girl. Luckily, anything outside of a Vegas nightclub IS a divebar. You can carry your cheap beer with you anywhere you go and smoke anywhere you want..Even in elevators...which is basically my favorite pastime. I love Las Vegas.

I haven't gambled yet...Which I am extremely happy about considering my frequent travels to Vegas and recent luck have me contemplating 1-800-the-bets-off. I'm thinking that maybe tomorrow, after a quick dip in the Mandalay beach, I'll head over to the Excalabuar and win a quick 100 Gs playing Keno. I'm moving to the Hilton tomorrow..Which will leave me plenty of time for the penny slots.

I have a big night planned tomorrow. I'll have to tell you about it later...or what I remember of it anyway.

Well, I just received my room service, so it's time to go run a bath and rent Beaches on Direct TV. Again, don't judge me. Wednesday night is Rock-N-Roll Karaoke at the House Of Blues and I need to study some Bet Medler STAT so that I can be prepared to blow everyone away with my skills.

Gotta leave Vegas wanting more since I'll be back in 3 weeks.

Have a good night, friends. You truly are the wind beneath my wings.

Okay. I'm going to do this. I'm going to start a blog.

I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I just haven't been able to come up with anything interesting enough to write about. So...I guess I'm just going to ramble until I say something entertaining.

I've come up with a theory..and it's that I can only write about sadness. Seriously, give me a broken heart and I could write a book. In the piles of journals I have collected throughout the years there isn't a single page that isn't filled with anger, loneliness and pain. I guess these things are just easier to write about...easier to take the time to write about. When you're lonely, angry, and in pain.

So, here I am. I'm not lonely or depressed, just bored...and interested in sharing my daily thoughts with whoever will listen.

Isn't that what blogging is all about?

My name is Kelly. I am a 20-something, from small-town Iowa, with six years of city under my belt and I'm stuck somewhere inbetween. I've been single for 2 1/2 years and I love it. I know that some people just say that, but I really do. I'm not interested in sharing my life with someone else right now, and for the first time ever I am completely comfortable with myself. I enjoy alone time..even if it's watching a movie and drinking cheap beer on a Friday night. Sometimes I just need a good date night with myself. I have a lot of acquaintances and a few amazing friends. All of them play a huge part in my life and I love them.

I'm a pretty average person with a pretty average existence...Borderline boring. I'm not a writer and I won't claim to be good at it.

I am honest, and honesty is what you'll get in this blog. If you don't want to read about drunken nights and one-night stands.....random rants and ridiculous opinions...selfish gloating and insecurity...Don't make a habit of reading my blog.

So here it goes.

Welcome to my life.